Wish
You Were Here
Rated R for yaoi and bad
language
Non-profit fan-fiction
[Cloud]
I looked at the photograph one last time, lump in my
throat, before placing it amongst the other papers, ready for burning. Vincent
was going to help me burn down the Nibelheim mansion, in the hope that this
could help us both deal with our pasts. Since my memory had returned, pieced
together with Tifa's help, I had been forged to
wonder whether or not it was a worse collection of memories than the false ones
had been.
I wish I had forgotten Zack altogether, or that he had been
a figment of my imagination, a bad dream. But that photograph had only proved
his existence. And only reality could produce a nightmare that cruel.
We had come so far, survived so much, only for him to be
shot dead by those Shinra bastards. Killed, right in front of me, and I
couldn't count how many bullets they had fired into Zack's body to make sure he
stayed down...
Leaving the room, I watched Vincent come out from where we
had originally found him, the faint salty trail of a tear still visible on his
cheek. We only gave each other a brief glance, both wanting to acknowledge the
other's presence without disrupting our thoughts. No matter how much I
sometimes wanted to hit Vincent for his solemnity, I knew I wouldn't, because I
understood why he was that way. After all, if it wasn't for Tifa, I might have
been exactly the same.
I walked up the spiral staircase, remembering the panic
from when Zack first made the descent downwards to the library. Emerging
finally in the otherwise unused room, I found a canister of gasoline left there
by Vincent. Picking up the canister, I started to soak the flammable materials
in the room, before making a trail from the carpet, down across the landing and
into the bedroom on the opposite side of the house.
I remembered that bedroom so well... remembered returning
here with Zack after failing to find Sephiroth, the way he had tried to soothe
my nerves with that mischievous smile of his and a typical bad joke, before
going on to soothe me in a quite different way.
I had loved the way his skin felt against mine. Not soft,
or overly smooth, but firm and hard, substantial. His substance gave me the
sense of protection I had craved, but not dared ask for... it was as if he
would always be there, always ready to look after me. Zack was never beautiful,
like Sephiroth had been. Zack wasn't even particularly handsome. But the flaws
in his features were unimportant - it was the way he used them that made him
attractive. Bright and optimistic, even to the end, his eyes held a sparkle
beyond the unnatural mako glow. And his smile was his
best feature... I thought it was beautiful, but why, I could not tell. Maybe
because that smile was mostly for me.
I began to soak the beds in gasoline, a few tears escaping
as flashbacks of our last night together flooded my head. Vincent's gold hand
gripped my shoulder after a while, making me jump; I had not heard him come in.
"Cloud, I'm ready. I've prepared the bottom floor." I nodded, hugged
my stomach after dropping the canister, and started to leave the mansion. The
strong smell of gasoline filled the air, but compared with the sewers and
suchlike we had been through, it wasn't a particularly bad scent.
I walked outside and sat down on the sandy floor, watched
Vincent light up a cigarette before throwing down the match and walking back to
sit at my side as the flames from the match started to spread along the
gasoline trail. Observing Vincent with the cigarette, I voiced my thoughts.
"When did you start smoking?" A tiny smile flittered across his lips,
registering for longer in his eyes.
"Cid got me hooked. Not intentionally, he..."
Vincent trailed off, obviously not wanting to elaborate. I noticed how Cid's name seemed to make the ex-turk
grow serene, much as he did whenever he was in the pilot's presence. This
didn't surprise me, considering some of the sounds that emerged from Vincent's
bedroom late at night, unless of course he was in the habit of crying out his
own name.
I watched the flames start climbing up the stairs, felt a
strange satisfaction that this time the house would burn, and the rest of
Nibelheim village be left untouched, rather than the other way around. Vincent
on the other hand simply looked on, face emotionless except for an expression
that would normally be read as "I told you so,". He must have planned
the arson for a long time.
As I studied Vincent, I also noticed a very slight crease
at the sides of his mouth that had not been there before. This surprised me; it
was the first sign of ageing he had displayed since I had first found him here,
and not only that, but the position of the crease suggested that it came from
small smiles such as the one he had shown me earlier. "Vincent, are you
happy?" he turned towards me, and a slow, mysterious look of serenity
crept across his face.
"When did you notice the attitude change?"
"I didn't. That's why I'm asking." Vincent looked
to the flames, then back to me, and nodded. "Why?" The ex-turk stubbed out his cigarette on the nearby grass,
seemingly bored with it.
"Cid." The way that the dark-haired man said his
lover's name reminded me of how I used to speak about Zack. "Cid makes me
happy. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh. I sometimes feel guilty, still,
though."
"Why?"
"You're really starting to act like a child."
Vincent smiled at the frown his words brought from me. "I feel guilty
because he has done so much for me, and yet, I have nothing to give him in
return save for this." Vincent placed a hand over his heart, sighed
quietly. I couldn't resist snorting with amusement. "Yes, 'cheesy', I'm
fully aware." A dark but not angry or sad expression flickered across his
face briefly, "But by god above, it's true." Turning away from me,
Vincent continued to watch the flames for a while longer before he finally
began to grow drowsy. "I wish Cid was here, actually..."
"Why?" He turned to me, emotionally caught
somewhere between amusement, anger, and disbelief.
"For your own sake I hope your last question was just
coincidence." I smirked before lying down fully to look up at the stars.
"Forget it then. You never realize how many of them
there are when you're in Midgar, do you?" Vincent nodded in reply to my question,
when I heard a loud yell from behind us.
"HEY! You stupid bastards we've been looking
EVERYWHERE for you, whoa SHIT what've you done to the mansion are you fucking
CRAZY?!" Those delicate tones could only belong to one person.
"Nice to see you too, Cid." The pilot ran up to
the mansion, then turned to us, his mouth shaping half-formed sentences, but no
sound coming out. Vincent smiled and shifted to stand up, before walking over
to Cid and whispering something in the pilot's ear. The dirty grin on the
pilot's face made me thankful for not being able to hear whatever the ex-turk had said.
"Fine, you're not in trouble. Just shift your asses
back to the Highwind, and quickly." Vincent glanced at me briefly, not
smiling though his eyes shone with wickedness, and gestured for me to start off
ahead to the ship before turning back to Cid. Repressing the urge to turn
around and see why Vincent was lagging behind with the pilot for the sake of my
sanity, I carried on with my journey and fought back jealousy. Years back, it
was Zack and I who people would be forced to politely ignore while they travelled... very few people had quite the same ability as
Zack to turn any stable, or even unstable object into a makeshift bed. I
remember him telling me about one time when he had made love to someone atop a
chocobo... which was, apparently, an experience he never wanted to repeat.
Generally though, he tended to choose more... sensible places to rest while he
was with me.
"Do you love me?" Zack asked in a rather
matter-of-fact voice as I cuddled up to him on the cold bench, covered only by
our jackets.
"I don't know... what does love feel like?"
"Like something you could never describe," Zack
laughed, before pressing a light kiss to my forehead. "It's way too deep
for me to try and explain, I have enough trouble with facts, never mind
philosophy!" I blushed and rested my head against his chest, listening to
his heart-beat, his pulse still racing from our recent exploits.
"Is it like... always wanting that person to be there
with you, no matter what?" Zack shrugged and glared at a passing stranger,
happy to keep up the pretence we were only on the bench because we had nowhere
else to sleep. Which was partly true, as we had no money to rent a room, though
we probably could have scrimped some off the other SOLDIERs had we desperately
needed proper shelter.
"It could well be... like I said, it's something you
can't really explain. I think I might love you though, if what you suggested is
true." I smiled and tightened my hold on him.
"Good. Because I think I might love you too..."
I shook my head and found my usual place at the front of
the Highwind, heard Cid climb aboard with Vincent a few minutes later. I fought
back angry tears, knowing that if Tifa caught sight of them she would be
desperate to find out what was upsetting me, and the truth was I didn't want
anyone to know. Not yet, anyway.
Finally the engines started up, and I watched the burning
Shinra mansion fade into the distance as the Highwind drove off, waved as it
disappeared from my view. "Goodbye, Zack," I muttered quietly to
myself before turning and walking off the bridge into the main hallway of the
Highwind, wondering when the time would come for me to join him. Because I knew
he would be waiting for me in the Lifestream. Patience was not one of his
virtues... but he had always waited for me. As I would wait for him...
And I would finally find out if he still thought he loved
me...
The End